Dearest…
Usually I don’t write at this time 1333hrs on a Tuesday, not a holiday, a day at the office with my earphones on trying to find a song to make me always remember, you know, that song you want to always have you remembering the memories, those memories that can only be, those that can only remind you of, those that can only make you feel a certain typa’ way, memories surreal, memories so honest; a rare to find today. … I intend not to put a full stop to this piece since that’s the exact same way I hope this story will turn out, turn out into that one, one we will never stop having memories made, he said, “I still have a lot of interest in the coast…” then he said, I will be back in a week maybe… and we’ll have a burger ….the buckeye type.” I haven’t found that song yet as Lauryn plays on, he loved her … he liked the Miseducation of Lauryn Hill…. that song, The Ex factor, he loved … he understood my likings never had to explain a throwback jam or a def jam poetry episode/joke, you know the old school ones the ones with Mos Def and that guy.. ya’ll must know him – “ I met this girl when I was eight years old, and what I loved most she had so much soul” *smiles*….his style only had me feeling homed… like this was just what my life needed ; to have a drink on Sunday like its Friday… to not be scared of talking of my bad habits and draining my last Mpesa 20 bob just to enjoy a cigarette without getting the funny feeling or look… to not feel weird when the solitude lasted days with neither of us feeling bothered… I have grown to love my own space maybe, a thing that will get me by, this ‘goodbye’ it shouldn’t be a goodbye because I know it’s for bigger and better things….I called my sister who said; cry if you have to, laugh if you have to but always rise up and perhaps this is for the best… he would say the same thing and I promise to cry if I have to or laugh if a have to when we have that burger at buckeye… then my desk gets swell – with work and this time my eyes are swell too, the crying… it’s happening then I think this is selfish… he is a dreamer and he like Common sings, he will still keep dreaming and maybe this was for the better…so I shouldn’t be selfish ….then I ask?…. am I mourning already?… so fast you know, we move from denial to anger then bargain then depression then acceptance (DABDA)… I was angry why did he not say this earlier like when we last hang out…chilled out with a movie then as usual work came in between my phone ringing – his phone ringing constant rewinding then suddenly we just need to leave and handle our office matters… he said in that conversation… “I can’t leave like that..” then hang up so he just did not tell me…overthinking, that’s what I am doing now but hey, the DABDA is only at bargain heading to depression then I realize I have a Furaha (brandy) in the fridge at home ….tonight I’ll be drinking with a broken heart not dreaming with it like John Mayer… I smile and I know he had his drink too; perhaps thinking, how do I break this to her …oh well, I will drink to no full stops today hehe not haha hoping that we will drink again and just as it were not worrying about tomorrow and feeling like I will brave through the hangie so it doesn’t matter let me have a good one… we toasted to many things that birthday that had us handling all things maturely and yes we agreed If it works out fine if not fine as well, it’s now three months later and I guess it worked out …the friendship… you know I never told him I write … today I just went back to that place, that place of therapy and realized it’s been months since I did this, wrote , about my feelings….used my keypad to wipe the tears, used my keypad to find my balance and it feels good… feels so good to know I still have a heart that can feel a typa’ kinda way… and if this made me write then these memories have forever to be made and this friendship only begins and gets better…all the best and goodbye George…
Malindi will miss you…
Always,
Clara
SONGS IN PLAY – Forever begins- Common, Used to love you – Lauryn Hill, I want you Common, John Mayer – Dreaming with a broken heart.
MY MELANGE 